naturalwritingkenya

natural writing

I ate Adam’s fruit too

I was reading this as I waited for my sweetheart to come and bail me out. She is the prime minister, vice president and the president of the house all at once and believe me she manages it without giving an effort . I am only in charge when it comes to driving her to attend her chama sessions in the outskirts of town. Whenever mama Shiro wants to go shopping, I have to be home at least an hour early lest I risk sleeping on the floor next to the king size bed I bought in Naivasha. I also come in handy when she wants someone to reload her “empty kibeti” or when in need of a new “kitenge,” of course better than the “jealous” mama Kamau’s. The Saturday papers read: ‘A man and a woman were involved in a grisly car accident yester-evening. The accident was allegedly caused by the woman’s reckless driving. Both cars were crumbled but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After crawling out of their cars unscathed, eye witnesses say, the two victims had a brief small talk but none of them got a word…’ I recalled the lady, “So you’re a man…” Started the lady, “…that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our lives.” Wow! Look at that presentation. I looked at this young lady before me. She could be slightly above 24, medium sized, of mullato complexion, full and erect breast. Well set hips, charmingly large eyes and ever smiling lips. My heart melted. I forgot that this crazy lady has destroyed my Merc…well mama Shiro’s Mercedes Benz, a two months old German baby. Before I yanked my mouth open, this beautiful lady added on, “My car is totally damaged but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to celebrate our good fortune.” Nectar and ambrosia kept flowing from her mouth. Now this was no ordinary wine. It was the deep red 1917 Mc Mahon. She noticed my appetite for her wine, opened it and handed it over to me, “You first, handsome.” I smiled as I gobbled up half the contents of her bottle. If mama Shiro was this sweet, I guess I would be the next prince Williams. I handed it back to her. She puts the cap back on and handed it back to me. With curiosity and amazement, I inquired, “Aren’t you having any seniorita?” she replied her face pulled and mouth twisted 180 degrees to the left, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence.” Holy Ghost!!! Adam has again eaten the fruit! Women! I was netted. That’s how I found myself spending a night in the cells, not worried about the condition but what awaits me the moment the prime minister arrives. Talk of the devil, her Excellency! There she was, beautiful as ever edging her way through past officers taking tea,” Oh handsome, what have these man eaters done to you little boy…come here and receive mama’s kiss…oh my weakness…why didn’t you come home last night, didn’t this idiots know that I am your wife?” Now my wife knows how make one feel welcomed and actually I was so comfortable in her warm embrace. I had missed that passionate kiss which came once every month (only when she wants her garage serviced and oiled). “Hey you, can’t someone come to get us going? I shall sue this filthy police station for unjustly acts against humanity. Hurry up!” She charged towards the officers. “And you….”she turned to me, “…better start telling me where you got that wine from.” Ha-ha…that’s my chief justice, as unpredictable as ever. I don’t know where I’ll sleep tonight but at least not behind those filthy cells, no not again!

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